“Love conquers all.” How many times have we all said those words? Believed in those words? Prayed every night that these words held some sort of truth in them?
Glad I’m not the only one. And I firmly believed that they were true… until my husband and I split up. And then I wanted to believe in them still… And then the next breakup, and the next. And, once again, I have to question whether there is any truth to a statement this bold.
I hadn’t really mentioned it before, but, yes, I have a boyfriend. And, yes, I’ve gotten the question more than once ,”How can you be bi if you have a boyfriend?” I would like to think the answer would be easy to answer and I’m not sure if it’s out of sheer stupidity of the question or whether I have this incessant need to please everyone, I have yet to come up with a better answer than, “Because I am.” Maybe that’s all that needs to be said.
Anyways, so yes, there is a boy involved. And we have been together off and on for awhile. He’s the one who called me out on being bi. He’s been involved with my family and gets along really well…. and then the “but” comes in. And in this case, there are a lot of “buts,” mostly from my own neuroticism.
The biggest ones are that:
1) My family likes him but doesn’t feel that he would be a good partner for me (which i think comes a lot out of fear of the ex husband, but still); and
2) He has taken a job in a different province. That one is huge. He would like us to come out there with him. I have thought about it over and over, and in a lot of ways would love to pick up and move. I live in my parents yard, so let’s face it, even though I’m 28, there is an awful lot of parenting that still happens because I live right there. They can control what they can see.
Here’s the problem—despite all of this, despite the fact that I almost never see eye-to-eye with them and we have more arguments then I can count—I need them. And the thought of leaving here sends me into a panic. So, I pray and pray some more, and the same answer keeps coming back—could you handle living that far away? And the biggest question of all—is this going to be right for D? And the answer is always the same.
So here we are, a week before Christmas, contemplating whether things will even work out. Whether love can really conquer all. And realistically, love can’t conquer all because love can tear you apart. The love for family can tear you away from the love of a partner. Loving one thing sometimes means losing another.
So here we are. And it hurts. And it’s empowering at the same time. And it’s strangely peaceful. We both know where this is going to end up. He’s already said that he’s considering making the decision for me and walking away. So, does love really conquer all? I think love only conquers what we can let our spirits accept and what reality doesn’t throw in the way.
If I didn’t have D, would things be different? Quite possibly. But that is one love that trumps everything else. Maybe it’s time to look for love where I already have it and where our lives don’t have to uproot, but in a place where it can continue to grow.
Love to you all,