December, 2014 / Author:

214-30-sex-and-shameAs Robert enters the coffee shop, he overhears Danny saying to a few friends that were with him, “See you guys later. I need to speak with this older man about sex.”

One of his friends adds, “Can I join you guys?”

And from Robert’s expression, Danny’s friend says, “So, we’ll see you later Danny,” Robert says,
“Now that those around us know what we are going to be talking about, what seems to be your concern, if any?”

“Why are you making that strange expression,” asks Danny.

“Sorry about that. I was just biting my tongue,” Robert says with a smile. “A lot of my dates have been confusing me lately.” He quickly adds, “Biting your tongue again, are you?”

“I understand why your friend wanted to join us, Danny, so, I’ll let you share your concerns.”

Danny lets it flow. “One guy starts off by saying he’s a born-again Christian. I asked him if that meant he wouldn’t do certain things or if we had to pray first. Was that queen ever defensive. With another guy, we couldn’t figure out what we wanted and he seemed uncomfortable with his extra pounds. With this other guy, he seemed uncomfortable talking about his thoughts and fantasies and when I insisted we talk about it he goes to his backpack and pulls out his lingerie and sexy panties, at which point I almost freaked out. This one guy tells me to go slow that he was sexually abused. I was glad that I didn’t have my paddle and restraints out in the open. And I could go on,” Danny says exhausted.

“Well, that was an interesting week Danny,” Robert blurts out with a sarcastic smile.

Danny, not to be outwitted adds, “Yes, it was.”

Robert asks, “So, Danny, with all the experiences you are having, what are you becoming aware of?”

Danny answers, “Some guys want to do things that I don’t and the other way around. Some seem uncomfortable about talking when together and others don’t seem to know what they want.” He adds, “Is it always going to be like this?”

“It becomes more understandable and accepting as you begin to become aware of your own sexual issues and realize that the person you are with has their own. We are bombarded with messages that happy, successful and popular people say sex is great and other messages that say sex is sinful and wrong,” adds Robert.

“Some of my friends have seen a lot of violence and some of it on them,” says Danny.

“Our shame about sex comes from our families, cultures, religions, friends, television and websites. In all of this we are told that some kinds of sexual activities are
acceptable and others are wrong. You already know what your body is supposed to look like and feel shameful if it doesn’t.”

“Not a problem with that one,” says Danny and quickly adds, “You’re biting your tongue again, aren’t you?”

“Remember, Danny, the most important thing is to know what you want in order to come to an acceptance of yourself. That includes who you feel sexual desires for, what kind of sex you want to have and accepting your sexual thoughts and fantasies.”

Danny adds, “I like keeping it simple—what works and what doesn’t.”

“Now add to that,” Robert says, “Be responsible for what you say and do by being aware of what you do, and correcting what you can or move on.”

“I have some moving on to do,” Danny adds, “Though I’m not sure what to do about my sexual fantasies?”

“Exploring them, Danny, may be more important than trying on the latest sex position or role-play outfit.”

“Robert,” Danny smiles. “Are you speaking from experience or regret?”

“Neither,” says Robert. “From a longing for less judgment and mistrust to be able to explore some sexual activities to find a sexual or romantic partner I’d want to be with.”

Smiling at Danny, Robert asks, “Are you OK?”

“I’ll be alright, Robert, I was just biting my tongue.”

–Ray Buteau is a former Catholic priest and author of the book No Longer Lonely. You can visit Ray’s website at www.

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