The idea that comfortability ruins a relationship’s sex life, romance and intimacy has persisted for decades. When the mystery fades, does the relationship lose its spark?
Three short-term couples—Lehanne and Dani, who have been together for more than two years and married for a few months; Sav and Hailey, who have been together for more than one year; and L and G, who have been together for a few months—share their experiences with becoming comfortable in the early stages of their relationships.
At what point is it okay to do things that are sometimes deemed gross? “Depends on the relationship and how two people are connected,” says Dani. L and G say it came quite quickly for them. “I don’t hold anything back with her, so I am currently comfortable with her,” G says. However, being transgender and starting a new relationship can make becoming comfortable take a bit more time. “I have lots of dysphoria, so even though we’ve been together for a year-and-a-half, I’m still shy and even embar- rassed about my body and sometimes get too worked up to even let Hailey touch me, and it has nothing to do with her!” says Sav.
A large part of feeling comfortable with your partner is being able to talk to each other. Hailey and Sav say communication is big in their relationship. Lehanne and Dani also feel that openness is important. “I think it’s vital to be open and honest no matter what comes up and out,” says Dani. People often say it’s important to leave mystery in their relationship. However, G and L say that it
is not a necessity. “I wouldn’t want her to be wondering anything about me. I like full honesty and full openness because that’s what I give,” G says.
While the relationship progresses into a more comfortable state, does the sex and romantic life really decrease? L and G agree that their new relationship is still filled with an active sex life. “Sex is still just as wonderful and special as it was in the very beginning,” L says. Dani feels that they’ve slipped into married life. “I think sex itself has decreased in frequency, but intimacy has increased. Orgasms have been more intense. It’s definitely more fun and relaxed now and less like we are trying to figure each other out.” Sav and Hailey say they used to have sex every day, but now only have sex once every two to three weeks. However, they have other things in their relationship to build intimacy. “We have a lot of other ways we connect to each other,” says Hailey.
Sex may decrease, but does it really matter? When you get comfortable, the connection grows and the relationship becomes more than just sexual intimacy. Dani describes the sex as a connection beyond the senses. Maybe there won’t be as many romantic, candle-lit dinners, but even everyday activities become intimate. “It’s saying, ‘I like you and value you so much that I wanna do all the boring maintenance of life like eating and bathing and watching TV and being bored with you’,” Hailey says. So maybe comfortability does change things, but in the end, maybe it’s for the better.
Faith Ginter is 19. They were born and raised in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and identify as gender neutral. Their goal is to pursue a career in journalism and illustration.